Surviving Relationship Devastation with the Enneagram

I am going through an extremely difficult family relationship challenge. It feels like a piece of my heart just died. In periods of intense pain like this, I am profoundly grateful for two things: the presence of the Holy Spirit and the Enneagram.

The Holy Spirit literally surrounds me with his tangible love and with the constant reminder that there is always hope because nothing is impossible for God. I have rarely, if ever, found it helpful to talk to other people about relational struggles – maybe because I’m low Social, maybe because I’m a Head Type. But I am never alone in times of pain, and that is a tremendous help.

How the Enneagram figures in is a bit more complex, but I’ll try to articulate it. First, understanding my Type helps me observe how my personality is reacting to this devastating situation. For instance, I can see the fear spiral of projected worst-case scenarios beginning: Does this person even love me? Is s/he going to abandon our relationship? What will life be like without her/him? Because I understand that this is how my personality operates, I can (eventually) choose not to indulge this thought behavior. That lessens my fear.

Second, understanding the other person’s Enneagram Type is immeasurably helpful. And I don’t mean the textbook knowledge of what a Two or a Nine is, for example. I mean really know the person deeply and understanding the specific ways in which Type is influencing their behavior at this time. This keeps me from demonizing the person or unleashing the fear-inspired vitriol my personality would like to spew out. Also, for the most part, it helps me to not take everything being said personally. Yes, there are kernels of truth here and there to learn from, but in this instance, I can see how my family member’s Type is warping external input, overemphasizing some things while ignoring others.

This enables tremendous compassion at a time when I really just want to scream and defend my (false) self by pointing all of this stuff out – in other words, weaponizing the Enneagram. So, the wisdom inherent in this system helps me avoid using it as lighter fuel on an open flame. It reminds me that we cannot fix ourselves, that each of us is doing the absolute best we can in any moment. There is plenty of reason for sadness, but no reason for blame.

Third, the Enneagram helps me understand how to relate to this person going forward. The gift of this devastation is that of clarity. I understand now that my assumption about my relationship with this family member was wrong; I was living a sort of lie. And isn’t that why we do the hard work of self-uncovery – to stop living the lie spun up by our psyche? So I know now what to say and how to say it, and what things not to say at all.

If you haven’t studied the Enneagram yet, I hope this post has given you an idea of just how helpful it can be – and this is in only one area of life. If you have studied, please share from your own life how this model of human behavior has been of help.

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