Instinct, Identity and the Kindness of God

My husband and I have guests in our home frequently, and I have recently found myself being stingy with food – on three separate occasions! So, I recognized the pattern and realized that there’s an opportunity in it to talk more about the role instincts play in our lives – and about grace.

So, the first time it happened, I had just spent more than an hour cooking vegetable soup. After cleaning up, I went into my office. Just then, our missionary friends arrived for their scheduled stay. My husband, a generous man with the gift of hospitality, offered them all soup, since they had just come from an evening event and probably hadn’t had dinner. He served them each (three people) a big bowl, while I tried not to lose my mind. “There goes all my hard work!” I thought. “Now what am I going to eat for the rest of the week?”

Yes, very Christlike! The second time, I scolded my husband for putting out the “expensive” beverages for our home group potluck. The third time, I was irritated to come home and find that a friend’s children had eaten most of our cashews.

Finally seeing this pattern, I thought, “Okay, what’s going on here?” I’m not stingy in other areas of life. I love to give money away. I practically foist my art supplies on fellow crafters. Like my husband, I love to welcome overnight guests to share the awesome house God has blessed us with. So, it’s really about food.

Aha! Now it made sense. Of the three primary instincts humans have, self-preservation dominates in me. Everyone has all three of them, but one is out of balance and is therefore a fixation—that’s the dominant instinct in you—and one is out of balance by being neglected—called your “blind spot.” Self-preservation is where my personality is fixated. And specifically, it’s about food.

Russ Hudson of the Enneagram Institute has done an amazing job of discussing the instincts and how they show up for each personality type. He’s writing a book on the topic that I look forward to reading, but I learned some of his key observations during one of his live trainings. One key observation is that each instinct can show up in one or more “zones” of life. The self-preservation instinct is comprised of the Health & Wellbeing [1], Practical Know-How [2] and Domesticity/Nesting [3] zones.

So, while other Self-Pres types are good at making money [2] or creating gorgeous homes [3], I have historically focused on having enough to eat [1] – at all times. I carried my water bottle everywhere. My purse was never without at least two snacks. One of my friends calls me “The Walking Picnic.”

But here’s the awesome thing: As I have learned the Enneagram and walked out its principles over the last decade-plus, things have shifted. About a year and a half ago, I started leaving the house without remembering to take my water bottle. I would get hungry while running errands and realize that I had no food in my purse. For a Self-Pres, these are huge victories! Also, I recently learned about a phenomenon called hunger anxiety, wherein people feel compelled to eat the second they feel like their stomachs might not be full. That would be me! Or, was me. Since learning this, and seeing the connection with my Self-Pres fixation, I have changed how I eat and have lost 20 pounds.

And here’s another awesome thing: Because I understand what’s driving this stingy, “sinful” behavior, I don’t have to be ashamed about it. Instead, I can write a blog post about it! I can objectively see that my imbalanced instinct is causing me to act in certain ways that miss the mark of God’s perfection, and I can—with God’s help—make a different choice next time. No self-flagellation required. Because stingy is not who I am; it’s just what my personality is doing right now. That brings tremendous peace and freedom.

I will rest in the extravagant generosity of God, and I will remember to observe my personality in action so that I can make the conscious choice to extend that generosity to others. I will stop being afraid of not having enough to eat, stop being ruled by my instinct, and get to experience the joy of unrestrained giving.

So, come on over. I’ll put out the expensive drinks AND the cashews for you.

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