How the Enneagram Saved Christmas

Until recently, Christmas with my family was pretty easy. My husband and I would load up the Jeep with luggage and gifts and drive four hours north. Everyone lived in the same small Northern California town, so we’d gather at someone’s house to catch up, play games and EAT.

It’s not so easy these days. Last year, we went to three different houses on Christmas Day, one of them requiring a further two hours’ drive north. My family doesn’t all live in the same town anymore and, what’s harder, they don’t all speak to each other. It can be tricky to arrange our visit so that we see everybody and spend roughly an equal amount of time with each group so no one feels slighted.

So much for this being “the most wonderful time of the year,” right?

But no – it’s still a wonderful time. It’s different than it used to be, and it’s not ideal, but I still love and enjoy my family members and celebrating the birth of Jesus. And the Enneagram helps me navigate this new landscape without being too sad about what used to be and without—I hope—ruffling too many feathers.

First, the Enneagram helps me understand the personalities of my loved ones: why it’s so hard for this one to forgive a wound, why it’s so easy for that one to cause a wound, and so on. This personality model also helps me observe my own inner reactions to the various family dynamics at work. Because I know how I’m prone to react, I can often choose not to react but to just observe my programmed patterns in silence. Not reply with a witty barb. Not escalate the disagreement or even take sides.

Second, this understanding of how people are “wired” gives me tremendous compassion for my loved ones. Until they become aware of their patterns, they literally cannot help being other than who they are. Nor can I sometimes, even knowing what I know! That programming takes a lot of time and concerted effort to overcome. We actually are all doing the best that we can.

Third, this compassion helps me to accept what is. I may be disappointed in someone’s behavior, knowing that it hurts others or that person, but I don’t have to try to correct or “fix” them because I recognize that it’s impossible. It’s also not my job! I am freed from liking or disliking people because they do/do not conform to my Inner Critic’s standards. I can love them without expectation, more like how God loves us.

He loves us because we are his precious beloveds. He loves us without cause. He loves because he IS love. He cannot do otherwise.

In fact, he loved us so much that he came to this earth as a baby who ended up sleeping in a food trough! Christmas is fundamentally about love, and the Enneagram helps us love without condition, free to show up on the family doorstep without any expectation except to be love to God’s beloveds.

So, take the Enneagram with you this Christmas. It just might save your holiday.

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