How Personality Poisons the Golden Rule

I heard a great story the other day while listening to Suzanne Stabile and Ian Cron’s Enneagram-based podcast, “The Road Back to You.” Suzanne’s daughter told her, basically, that as she interacted with people at her job, she was realizing that the Golden Rule—Do to others as you would like to have done to you—doesn’t always work.

Now, before you accuse any of us of blasphemy, hear me out! The Golden Rule is a much-beloved maxim throughout the world. It’s one of the last vestiges of Christianity’s influence on culture that everybody knows, whether they love Jesus or not. I get that.

And Jesus certainly knows what he’s talking about. He never said anything that wasn’t true. So, I understand that it sounds like blasphemy to say that this rule doesn’t always work.

But here’s the thing. Jesus was speaking at a very high level. He was talking about basic, over-arching things that people need to do to survive in society together, and he was talking about the condition of the heart as well. He gives this rule as part of the Sermon on the Mount, which is all about learning how to love people, especially those who are being unkind to you. Jesus’ call to turn the other cheek and walk the extra mile are pretty radical in this context.

This bit from Dictionary.com, of all places, is helpful: The Mosaic law contains a parallel commandment: “Whatever is hurtful to you, do not do to any other person.” Don’t kill someone, because if someone killed you, that would be hurtful to you. You don’t want someone stealing your stuff, so don’t steal theirs. The Golden Rule underlies the majority of the 10 Commandments.

So, then, why doesn’t it always work? It doesn’t always work at the individual, person-to-person level because of personality. Our own fixations cause us to avoid certain things and gravitate toward others, and these fixations can be polar opposites of those we’re trying to love.

For example, as a Seven, I don’t like to acknowledge pain. If I’m starting to feel down, I want someone to come along and cheer me up, rope me into a fun adventure or exciting conversation. This is my default for how to “do unto others” who are sad. But a Four doesn’t want to be distracted; she wants to fully feel those feelings and know that I see her pain and can hold a space for her to express it. And a Two wants to sit and talk, and maybe cry, about what’s making him sad.

My default, then, of how I want to treat others based on what works for me is not always appropriate. Sometimes it is, but often not. This is yet another example of why it’s so helpful to know the Enneagram. Knowing your own fixations and knowing others’ types helps you see what it is that others truly need from you in a given moment. Another way to say it is that the Enneagram helps you love people better.

So, keep blessing your enemies and not stealing or murdering, and also please start learning how to love and serve others better with the Enneagram.

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