How Love Changes, and How it Stays the Same

I’m planning a birthday trip to visit my family soon, and it’s bringing up some pain. Over the past five years, several deaths, the needs of an aging grandparent and the fallout from an addiction have changed my family’s dynamics significantly – and not for the better. They aren’t all located in one town anymore, and even if they were, separate get-togethers would need to be organized based on who is speaking to a particular family member and who is not.

I’ve done some initial communication with family to figure out a schedule that makes sense, since I’ll be doing many hours of driving on my own (my sweet husband will be on call for work that weekend and can’t come) and am trying to break up the trip so I’m not driving 6½ hours on July 4. So far, two of the responses I’ve gotten sounded, to me, like “Yah, maybe we’ll get to hang out. We’ll see.”

Well, that doesn’t feel too good! My Enneagram Seven impulse is to think, “Forget you, then! I’m not even gonna try. I’ll go where I’m wanted.” In other words, to flee from the sadness. Find something fun to distract myself.

But because I do know the Enneagram, I can see this pattern and am choosing to reject it. Instead, I will let myself feel this sting, mourn over the way our family used to be and, eventually, accept the current reality.

It’s not instant, though. I feel like I have lost love. When my Grandpa Frank died, one thing that really hit me was that there was one less person in the world who loved me, one less person who prayed for me every day. My loved ones have taken on different responsibilities in keeping with the different stages of life, from helping raise grandchildren to caring for aging parents.

So, their love has shifted – sometimes away from me, I realize. This is normal and natural, but I’m still not used to it. I’m used to being well liked, to people being excited to see me during my one or two trips home each year. As a Seven, I think the current situation reinforces the false idea at the core of my being that I am alone in the world; there’s no one to support me and I’m going to have to meet my needs myself.

Yet I know, cognitively and often experientially, that I am indeed NOT alone in the world. I feel and rest in the unstoppable love of God regularly. That is a beautiful anchor for me. However, that “I’m on my own in this scary world” lie is so deep that it will take a long time to uproot completely. Knowing it’s there, though, so that I can watch for how it pops up in my life, is invaluable. This is what knowledge of the Enneagram enables.

In addition, God made us for relationship – first with him and then with others. So it makes perfect sense to feel loss as others’ love and attention shift away. But this morning, as I was feeling this loss, God reminded me of the people he’s brought into my life in the last few years – new people to love and be loved by. Love may shift, but it does not diminish. In short, He is on the case of love on my behalf. I am indeed not alone. Not ever.

Different personality types respond to the loss of love differently, from being enraged to steeping themselves in sorrow to refusing to acknowledge it and so on. I’d love to hear how you have dealt with or are dealing with the loss of love in your life, especially in light of your Type.

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