Why Advice Isn’t “One Size Fits All”

“Just do it.”

“If you can believe it, you can achieve it.”

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.” (Thoreau)

Peyton Manning Asked John Madden For Advice on NFL Analyst Job

Everyone wants to put their two cents’ worth in, it seems. From the free-flowing opinions expressed across social media to paid advice columnists to professional pundits and motivational speakers, (almost) everyone is eager to espouse their views on life in an effort to encourage and help—and sometimes correct—others.

The problem is that when it comes to advice, one size does not fit all.

That’s because we view the world through one of nine personality filters, which the Enneagram so brilliantly illustrates. Yes, there are some universally true bits of wisdom, but even those are not easy to swallow for some types. Can you imagine Donald Trump, for instance, getting stoked over the command to “Love your neighbor as yourself”?

Now, that’s not exactly advice, except that it’s about how to live with more joy in the world, aligned with God’s heart – but that is for another blog post. And it’s easy to take cheap shots at Donald Trump because he figures so prominently in our culture right now, but he didn’t get to pick his personality type and should not be mocked. He, like everyone else, is following the script of personality. I just use him as a well-known example here to illustrate my point.

And my point is this: what makes sense to your filter won’t necessarily make sense to my filter. So, the Threeish encouragement to “Just do it” is likely to fall with a thud at the feet of the self-doubting Six, as would the suggestion that “If you can believe it, you can achieve it.” Sixes have trouble believing anything! So this tack is unlikely to be helpful and is more likely to cause cynicism and even anger.

In addition, most advice comes from and appeals to the level of personality. Assertive Types—Three, Seven and Eight—for instance, can fully get behind the idea to “Just do it.” It feeds into their action-oriented personalities. But what if what’s really needed in a person’s life is not just to do a thing, but to sit in quiet reflection and truly consider whether doing the thing is a good idea at all and, if so, when?

It’s not that all advice is bad or should be avoided. People are social creatures, and we want to help and to be helped. But let’s move forward with greater understanding in this area. The Enneagram provides that in spades. When someone asks you for advice, it’s incredibly helpful to reflect on your own Enneagram type and that of the person asking before you speak. Otherwise, our effort to encourage or comfort might actually cause further distress, shame or confusion.

Do you have an example of a time when advice—either given or received—backfired? If so, please share in the comments section so that we can all learn.

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