Learning to Grieve: Notes from an Enneagram Seven

My awesome, cherished, beloved grandmother died last week, and I’ll leave today for her funeral. I am trying to use the knowledge of my Enneagram type to notice, acknowledge and fully process my grief.

I have a Type Seven personality, which makes me a Positive Outlook type. Because my basic fear is of being trapped in deprivation or pain, my default behavior is to flee at the first sign of pain. One way I’ve done this in the past is to move quickly through life, going from one interesting or exciting activity to the next. Another way is to “reframe” painful events by finding the silver lining in every cloud. Both of these defaults prevent Sevens from fully processing their emotions.

As I’ve become aware of these behaviors by studying the Enneagram, I’ve been able to create a little distance between them and my true self. When the impulse to flee or reframe comes up, I can take a step back and choose whether I want to indulge that impulse or stay present. And as I’ve continued to experience the loss of loved ones over the last several years, I have begun to understand how grief shows up in me and how to pay attention to it.

Grief makes me exhausted. I first noticed this about eight years ago with my first significant loss, my Grandpa Ralph. I slept most of the day last Friday, when I got the call that Grammy had passed on. I haven’t quite worked out why yet, but I suspect that my body is acting as a mediator of sorts.

As a Thinking Type, I live in my head and try to rationally process everything. But grief’s not “rational”; it’s primal and comes from deep beneath the brain’s higher functions. Sevens don’t have a natural Heart Center connection, either – which, I think, is one reason we tend not to fully process what we feel. So, I think my body takes on the role of processor, which it wasn’t meant to do, which makes it tired.

But if I’m aware of this, I can realize that my exhaustion is an opportunity to pay attention to my feelings, to connect with my heart. I sat down the other night and let myself acknowledge that, despite the facts that my Grammy is now where she longed to be and that she is no longer in pain, etc., my heart is broken. She was amazing and wonderful to me my whole life, and now she is gone from the world.

This brings up, among other things, the Seven’s Core Wounding Belief that there is no one to help me in the world and that I’m on my own. Because I know this, I can acknowledge that it’s not true and go back to grief instead of grief compounded by fear.

So, I sat in quietness and let my heart feel broken. I let myself cry.

Since then, I have still been tired, but not nearly at the same level. My body isn’t trying to do a job it wasn’t intended for anymore. Grief is not linear, and this one is still new, so I’m not pretending everything’s all fine and dandy. It comes in waves, as I’m sure you know.

I know that this may read as a very head-centered recounting of my emotions. What I’m trying to show, though, is how I’m making an effort to bring all three Centers—Head, Heart and Gut—online so that I don’t stay just in my head and reason my emotions away.

Each Type handles grief differently. I have seen an Eight scream and rage at a loved one’s death, and I have seen a Two’s deep, silent tears. What has your experience been? Have you been able to use the Enneagram in meaningful ways during a period of grief?

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